January 1, 2023
Happiness is so deep and dark and I am swaddled by a growing feeling that I am not all the things I have been before. There it is! a moment! there goes another one! snaps in a dark field of light, I watch my life open, the great and terrifying mouth of a cavern. The moments go on bursting and cracking and illuminating the walls, each one a drowned syllable in the throat unvocalized and just like that you see hairs growing on your hands and see your dad in the mirror and have hangovers that last the whole day that fill you with bile and maturity, and that is, as they say, life. That is, snaps of light in a darkened room, and with every flash my eyes are growing adjusted to that darkness and deepness but I am not sure I’m ready for that change, that opening. I’m nervous to be as old as I am and I’m not sure how I have gotten here but it is the 22nd time I have felt The Grand pit in my stomach as shot glasses fall to the floor on the 24th hour of the 365th day of a life I can’t quite figure out how I obtained. A decades long falling motion into laying here with hair on my hands, with great loves & regrets in my heart, falling, becoming sure of the deepness and darkness of that pit and the snaps in it, that drowned syllable, that life which is mine.